I keep losing my temper with my kids.

What can I do about it?

Okay here is the truth

Yes, repeatedly or, unexpected anger can affect children, and understanding that gives us the opportunity to do things differently.

We are their safe people, but we are human. Occasionally we will lose our temper. We will cry, shout, laugh, and be silly. 

When you verbalise what you are feeling, you help children see your emotions and normalise them.  ie, mummy/daddy is just feeling frustrated at the moment, I will get fresh air, or a drink, or a few minutes to calm myself

But it is really important that we try and provide as much age appropriate language to emotions. These help them to understand, to not be scared, and to not be uncertain of you.

So what can we do?

So let’s not tell ourselves to try harder. Let’s not punish ourselves for being imperfect. Let’s not make things better with gifts or treats.

Instead let’s try to understand our reactions, why are they happening?

Are they gradually building up over time, but you are not saying anything, holding it all in until you blow your top?

Are you just utterly exhausted, and pushing yourself to make sure everything gets done instead of napping or resting?

When we start to explore these moments and experiences with curiosity, with self-compassion, with the pressure lifted, finding the underlying reasons, contributing factors becomes a little easier. 

The idea is that we can begin to recognise what helps and what doesn’t.

If you find your reactions are repeatedly feeling out of control. If you’re worried about the impact on your children, then please seek support. You don’t have to wait until things get worse to ask for help.

Repair. Your child is not obligated to forgive you; they are not obliged to forget either.

Apologise. There is no shame in owning your mistakes, and to apologise is a great skill to model to our children, as is ownership and responsibility, all of which can be conveyed when we apologise.

An apology should acknowledge how the child may have felt; they may have felt frightened, shocked, confused, or even angry.

Avoid things like, if you did as you were told this wouldn’t have happened 

This adds a layer of blame. 

This isn’t to say that children cannot be aware of the consequences of their actions, but not of our actions.

Reassure them; they need to know that this wasn’t their fault, that the adult is responsible for managing their own feelings.

Reconnect when they are ready.

Reconnecting can be sitting together, reading a story, allowing them space.

You know your children best, gauge how they are afterwards. It may not appropriate to simply return to normal within 10 minutes, they may need longer to calm or regulate. 

Some tips

What are your boundaries?

What are your needs?

What are you ignoring even though it is driving you mad?

These things pile up, a funny smell you are trying to find, having a bath alone and they all pile in, you get woken up by a banana hitting you in the nose, you get into bed and realise there a toy cars in there, along with your favourite biscuits now mere crumbs.

The more open we are about our boundaries and emotions, the easier it becomes to recognise what’s happening for us and communicate this to our family. It also helps our children understand what to expect from us, making our responses more predictable and helping them feel safer. It’s about finding ways to care for ourselves while remaining considerate of our children, recognising that everyone’s needs matter and finding ways to accommodate them, in age-appropriate ways, wherever possible.

By doing this, we model that self-care is important, that it’s okay to have boundaries, and that we can communicate how we feel while still being considerate of the people around us.

If this is something you find yourself feeling completely overwhelmed by, get in touch.

The Connection Call is 20 minutes. It is completely free of cost and judgement.